A wrestling sage recently pointed out the difference between Kurt Angle and his superstar peers over the last few decades: âMost top guys know how they should be used. Kurt has no idea.â
Amen to that. TNA â” and to a lesser degree, WWE before that â” has wasted the monstrous talent that is/was Angle, turning him into a comedy figure. Kurt IS hilarious, make no mistake â” but strap the funny onto someone who isnât an Olympic gold medalist. Angle should be (and should have always been) âthe real guy.â The guy who suspends your disbelief. The champ who would beat their champ because their champâs a fake. Thatâs what Angle should be, and he never seems to realize it.
Top guys shouldnât be comedians. Funny doesnât draw money. Name one significant money-drawing program based on humor. TNA is making zero progress with Angle the comedian as their #1 guy.
(Aha, you say, what about all the Steve Austin/Vince McMahon skits? Werenât they funny? And I reply: Yes, they were, but Austin was always an uncompromising badass within the context of the skits. When Austin later turned heel/buffoon, WWE experienced a significant drop in business. Look at the Jericho-Michaels feud in WWE. Not many are funnier than Y2J, but Jericho has purged the laugh track from this particular program, and thatâs one big reason it works.)
TNA gave suspending disbelief a try when they had the Angle vs. Samoa Joe âseriousâ match. It was a great bout, and provided the avenue for a change in direction for both performers and/or the promotion. Instead, all it did was highlight that everything before or since isnât, well, âserious.â Give these guys personality, sure — just make sure it’s the proper personality.
Speaking of costly misuse, has anyone been misused more than Joe? Heâs just a whiny fat guy now. How about when he said, during a recent promo, that he wasnât sure he could beat Booker T? Who scripted that line? Who had the âSamoan Submission Machineâ fret on camera that he couldnât beat a WWE mid-card guy? (Booker was in the âbig leagues,â though, and gets the respect TNA inexplicably â” and always â” gives ex-WWE wrestlers, even at the expense of home-grown talent.)
TNA should just hire performers based on comedic ability. Itâs all that seems to matter.
How will they try to make things better? By having the announcers yell more, of course.
Iâm not a big TNA fan â” could you tell? â” because the promotion just comes off as so second-class, so low-rent. Look at the Divas/Knockouts. Besides Gail Kim and Shelly Martinez, how many TNA Knockouts wouldnât look totally out of place on WWE TV? The WWE freak show chick, Beth Phoenix, Is still kinda hot. The TNA freak show girl is called âKong.â Good thing wrestling is too sleazy for Al Sharpton. Can you imagine Roxxi â” under any circumstances, even as a one-time plant in the crowd â” getting on Raw?
I know what TNAâs response to my critique would be. âHe just doesnât get it.â
Youâre right. I donât. CLICK.
Hereâs a philosophical question: How long does a wrestling booker have to fail before heâs purged from the business? Somebody set a date, please.
TNA ANNOUNCING â” I got an e-mail from some mark accusing me of criticizing Count Chocula and Mr. Ginsu Knives because I want one of their jobs. Not true, though it would be nice to have a job.
I actually think Mike Tenay is quite good, but Don West is a horrible match. Theyâre both screamers, and theyâre both homers.
For example, when Kurt Angle abuses Karen, both announcers gang up on him. Wouldnât it be better TV if the color guy said, âWell, wait a minute. Kurt Angle has given his wife the opportunity to live the life that only the spouse of an Olympic gold medalist can live. That only the spouse of a multi-time world champion can live. Where would she be without Kurt? Wrapped around a stripper pole somewhere, I bet. So if Kurt Angle wants to rule his marriage via tough love, thatâs his prerogative. If Karen Angle wants to seek her own fortune, I wish her luck, because sheâll have to do it a dollar at a time.â
Instead we get:
Tenay: MY GOD, HOW CAN KURT ANGLE TREAT HIS WIFE THAT WAY?
West: KURT ANGLE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIMSELF!
The constant babyface hammering of the heels by both announcers can make the heels into sympathetic figures. Thatâs certainly the case in the Angle-Angle byplay, where Karenâs redeeming qualities are few beyond her obvious physical attributes.
That said, I feel sorry for Tenay and West. That show needs tour guides, not announcers.
