DONâ<80><99>T DO IT, MICK!
Word on the street (and on the â<80>~net) is that Mrs. Foleyâ<80><99>s baby boy is headed from the big time to the small time, from WWE to TNA.
My advice: Donâ<80><99>t do it, Mick.
To quote the great Bruce Mitchell (as I often do), TNA is like quicksand. No matter how good you were â<80>” no matter how good you are â<80>” the minute you get there, you start sinking. Kurt Angle was at the top of the card in WWE. Now heâ<80><99>s a third-rate comedian in TNA. Samoa Joe was a killing machine in ROH, perceived far and wide as the next big thing. Now heâ<80><99>s a whiny naïf in TNA.
Thatâ<80><99>s what happens when you get involved with people more concerned with keeping their jobs than doing them, when your company is owned by a mark and run by repeat failures. You go there thinking youâ<80><99>ll have some say, but either you donâ<80><99>t know as much as you think, or you know more than those who run the show and they resent it. If youâ<80><99>re really smart â<80>” like Kevin Nash â<80>” you mostly stay out of harmâ<80><99>s way. But otherwise, you get enveloped in the muck and mire and go down, down, down.
Name one person who came to TNA from WWE and means more now. Besides Gail Kim, that is, who immediately used fame gained in TNA to leverage a return to WWE.
WWE is the big show, and everybody knows it. Wrestlers like Team 3-D have said so, in print, while working for TNA. The only people in TNA who donâ<80><99>t want to go to WWE are those who canâ<80><99>t.
Mick, you might be disappointed by the way you were used/treated during your latter days at WWE. It might anger you that Triple H calls you â<80><9c>Homeless Harryâ<80> behind your back. Maybe your legacy isnâ<80><99>t regarded in the light it should be â<80>” or maybe it is, and thatâ<80><99>s what really upsets you.
But if youâ<80><99>re concerned with your legacy, donâ<80><99>t go to TNA, because your legacy will fade. It will fade just as surely as Kurt Angle â<80>” an all-time great â<80>” is well on his way to being remembered as just another guy.
TNA doesnâ<80><99>t need Mick Foley, anyway. What they need is to create their own breakout star. But no one on that creative team is even remotely capable of doing it.
Memo to Dixie Carter: If you want to save your house, demolish it first. There is almost nothing good about your product, and you could count the productive employees on one hand. As I mentioned in an earlier column, TNAâ<80><99>s epitaph will be the mantra of those running it: â<80><9c>You just donâ<80><99>t get it.â<80>
Youâ<80><99>re right. I donâ<80><99>t. CLICK.
WORTHY OF DEBATEâ<80>¦
After my last column, a few miscreants on this web siteâ<80><99>s message board took exception to the notion that Internet schmucks are, well, Internet schmucks. I stand by my analysis. Anybody that would debate â<80><9c>who would win if it were real?â<80> is a textbook schmuck.
That said, hereâ<80><99>s a legit debate: What WWE Diva/TNA Knockout would make the best stripper?
No. 1, Iâ<80><99>ve got to go with Shelly Martinez, a/k/a Salinas of TNA. Sheâ<80><99>s got the body, sheâ<80><99>s got the cans, sheâ<80><99>s got the moves, sheâ<80><99>s got the enthusiasm and â<80>” as those who attended Jay Lethalâ<80><99>s birthday party know — sheâ<80><99>s got at least a little experience. Sheâ<80><99>s done some adult video, so sheâ<80><99>s certainly willing to be frisky for money. I see her prospering in the champagne room, and I mean that as a compliment.
No. 2: Jillian Hall, WWE. Sheâ<80><99>s got absolutely nothing going for her besides her body. Thatâ<80><99>s a strength. The best strippers are transported to the club in a limousine of desperation. Hey, that should be the title for my strip club memoirs: â<80><9c>A Limousine of Desperation.â<80>
No. 3: Candice Michelle, WWE: Look at her. Look at the way she walks, the way she moves. Michelle would be a great stripper. In fact, I bet she probably was. Candice wowed the Democratic National Convention by showing that girls who look like escorts vote, too.
No. 4: Kristal Marshall, ex-WWE: She probably shouldnâ<80><99>t be included because sheâ<80><99>s not active in wrestling, but Marshall did what so many strippers aspire to: Got knocked up by a sugar daddy with a humongous wallet. My God, how the money rolls in.
No. 5: Traci Brooks, TNA: Still a fine earner in her own right, I see Ms. Brooks as the house mom who reminds the new girls to have lotion and Kleenex in their purse.
Special Hall of Fame mentions: Kimona Wanalaya, ex-ECW/WCW and Kimberly Page, ex-WCW/DDMe. I experienced Kimona up close and personal at a dive in New Jersey called Moondancerâ<80><99>s and believe me, it was NOT for the faint of heart. As for Kim Page, she was a mainstay at Atlanta skin joints before hitting the, uh, â<80><9c>big timeâ<80> thanks to hubbyâ<80><99>s friendship with the next-door neighbor. â<80><9c>Best house dancer EVER,â<80> said one satisfied customer who later worked with her in WCW. His evaluation was NOT based on Kim’s actual dancing, as those who remember the Nitro Girls will confirm.
