I normally loathe three dot columns (the kind that have no one theme but scattershoot all over the place), but this week has seen some real doozies of small stories that all bear analysis):
…Mike Bridenstine of comedy.com (a man of frighteningly analytical insight) listed his Top 13 Worst Pro-Wrestling Gimmicks in his recent column. Along with the usual suspects (Yeti, Robocop, Giant Gonzalez, and Bastion Booger) came a shocker at #6 – our very own Disco Inferno. Bridenstine wrote, â<80><9c>He looks like a gay extra from Goodfellas. WCW proved once again that its never way-too-late for anti-disco jokes.â<80> It was almost like he was in the meeting where the gimmick was hatched! Congrats, Glen – it worked. Number 1 (if anyone cares) was the always ridiculous Tugboat (assumably in all of his incarnations – i.e. Big Steele Man, Uncle Fred, and The Shockmaster).
…TMZ featured a photo of New York Yankee Jason Giambi at Wasted Space in Vegas. The crux of the article was the enormous vascularity of Giambiâ<80><99>s arm vis-a-vis his claim to be gas-free. They were skeptical. Pictured alongside Giambi were two unidentified douchebags and two names you know. Bill Goldberg (looking exactly the same) and a giant, inflatable Brian Nobbs. As a side note, Nobbs is scheduled to be floated through Columbus Circle and down Broadway on Thanksgiving morning while tethered to a Boy Scout Troop from New Port Richey. Look out for the high winds!
…Jake Roberts
…It was 11 months ago that I penned the following thought in a Wrestlezone column (with apologies to The Simpsons): â<80><9c>Beer – The Cause Of And Solution To Most Of Scott Hallâ<80><99>s Problems.â<80> Da Drunk Guyâ<80><99>s behavior at the TNA â<80><9c>Turning Pointâ<80> pay-per-view (as, presumably, part of the Insane Crown Royal Posse) can now be labeled Exhibit R in a growing list of evidence that the former â<80><9c>Gatorâ<80> has become â<80><9c>crocked.â<80> At some point, the line must be drawn. Kevin Nash (a man I seriously hold in very high regard despite what some may say about him) even called out Hall for jumping the Cutty Sark Sunday night. Nash asked that his fellow Wolfpacker (sorry about that wolves) be escorted from the building. Is it too late for an intervention? Is it time to call in Dr. Drew for a Very Special Celebrity Rehab Christmas Episode? I hope not. (And to think, 20 years ago I thought they called him â<80><9c>Magnumâ<80> Scott Hall because he looked like a gassed-up Tom Selleck. I was wrong.)
…TNA has extended an offer to Alaska governor Sarah Palin to join Angelina Love and Velvet Sky in The Beautiful People at the â<80><9c>Final Resolutionâ<80> pay-per-view. Genius! Will she show up? Of course not! Will TNA get ink for the offer? They already have! TNA has offered $50,000 to the charity of her choice or to the Wasilla, Alaska Youth Hockey Association if she appears in Orlando. (In full disclosure – I LOVE TNA. They remain my wrestling home so I am biased.) I hope this works thusly: The governor will not be there (thatâ<80><99>s pretty much a given). Love and Sky appear in the ring with the check and introduce Governor Palin. A matinee dancer from Mons Venus in a Sarah Palin outfit (maybe carrying a baby with Mark Maddenâ<80><99>s face, who knows) walks to the ring. The crowd has no idea if its her or not – until she begins the most in-your-face striptease dance ever. Love and Sky join in and they all end up in their skivvies where, standing side-by-side facing away from the hard (*ahem*) camera, the word â<80><9c>Maverickâ<80> is seen written across their respective rear ends. A panicked Mick Foley hits the ring with a fistful of Kurt Angle â<80><9c>Snap or Tapâ<80> T-shirts to cover up the knockouts (to a thundering chorus of boos from the crowd and booze from Scott Hall). The dancer is then given her own â<80><9c>Impact!â<80> segment called â<80><9c>Parasailinâ<80><99> with Sarah Palinâ<80> where she interviews the talent while hovering over Hernando Beach. (God, I have got to stop drinking.)
