Rankings (That don’t really matter)
1.) John Cena, Poop Comic– The top draw in The Company is on roll. A series of great wins? Another title added to his resume? A new straight to On Demand (Free category) movie? No. He’s on a roll with the potty humor. It’s been, like, three weeks in a row. “Hey, he called The Miz a rectum. I tttttooooottallly want to pay half a day’s wages to watch the Royal Rumble now.”
2.) Matt Morgan, Bearded Blueprint– Apparently, if I’m to believe what I just saw, Ric Flair’s illustrious career is now officially over as his famous chops and punches had literally no affect on the former Tough Enough contestant. Next up, Morgan aims to kill off Hogan’s leg drop, Angle’s ankle lock, and Dixie Carter’s TV producing career.
3.) Batista, Mason Ryan V 1.0– All this talk about Ryan being the next Batista has done one thing: raised the profile of the retired star. Press of any kind is, of course, press. Now there’s Batista at the Rumble rumors, Batista will come back rumors, and “Hey, remember Batista?” threads. Sounds like he’s back already.
4.) Natalya “Nattie” Neidhart, Wrestler– Barring a Kong-like reason, it would be a safe bet that the Hitgirl’s Diva Title reign will come to an end at the Rumble. I hope she gets a chance to stay at the top. (Or at least climb back into it.) She can wrestle, she isn’t a boring stick of a model, and that tomboy cleans up nice. It was great to have her at the top of the pack.
5.) The Manimal, Bone Chewer– If you’re in the business, but know you’ll probably never get to Wrestlemania you might as well go for instant WrestleCrap induction. And how does a half-man, half-animal caveman know how to execute a suplex? Tune into NWA Championship Wrestling from Hollywood to find out.
The “You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone” R.O.H. TV award of the week:
The Christopher Daniels promo running these days about his return to ROH being a chance to show how good Daniels’ really is continues to hit its mark. This, combined with the Davey Richards’ promo, proves that Ring of Honor CAN do TV well. Most of the programming, matches, and presentation is that of a third option promotion, but they work well with what they have. These promos are nothing short of compelling.
Fast Count…
The way I see it… Awesome Kong or Slammin’ Shirley or Kellie Kong or whatever Team Vince rebrands her makes her debut at the Rumble… IN the Rumble… at number 40. Like Chyna and Beth Phoenix before her, Kong will take on the men, get one or two high profile eliminations, and then get the boot. (Maybe pulled over the ropes by Lay-Cool?) What? Would you rather she make her debut on Superstars versus Alica Fox?
I would totally love it if… David Hart Smith and Darren Young became an “official” tag team. Call them The Forgotten and make them bitter smashers that are “not going to be cast aside.” OK… maybe not… but I thought it was cool that they both had blue trunks on during their WWE Superstars tag match. I like my tag teams to match, goshdarnit.
I gotta think… it would be a lot better if Ezekiel Jackson never spoke. That voice just doesn’t match the look. It’s like hearing Oakland A’s ace Dave Stewart during his late-’80’s/ early ‘90’s heyday. Stewart was nothing short of the most intimidating pitcher of the day… until he spoke with a high pitched sweetness of a nice accountant. Big Zeke is impressive looking, but with a voice that sounds slightly like a British Magistrate ordering a garrison of Red Coat troops to block a Ghandi peace protest, the impact is lost.
I must confess… I secretly enjoyed Gail Kim telling the Bella’s that “because there’s no guest stars around, you guys really have nothing to do.” (And, as a side note, Daniel Bryan Danielson has to love the fact that he no longer has to break his back in the ring, only appears ringside with the Bellas, stars in silly little sketches about him being a viirrrr—vegan, and still collects the biggest paycheck of his career. Enjoy those “independent bookings,” Low-Ki.)
Sure… it was over the top, melodramatic, and downright corny, but Abyss coming out with his hands raised like some sort of slow charging Frankenstein only to fall to the floor with his own spiked weapon embedded into his back was entertaining. Would I play that clip to any person I’m trying to get interested in pro wrestling? No. But I’m already watching, so I’m allowed to enjoy it. It caught me off guard and I stopped what I was doing to actually watch the conclusion of TNA Impact! … and that’s the goal of television.
Quick… when was the last time a grappler got a huge “star of the future” push while wearing a scarf to the ring? 2011 is going to be Alberto Del Rio’s year!
Ken Napzok is a writer, comedian, and pro wrestling manager living in Los Angeles. He will be attending WrestleReunion 5 in comfortable tennis shoes. He can followed online at twitter.com/kozpan and twitter.com/TexTunney or contacted at [email protected]. Please edit your death threats for grammar.
