Greetings, Shenanifans. Before we jump into the main event, so to speak, Iâd like to clear up some confusion surrounding last weekâs ârevealâ (upâs to Ghost Hunters for the lingo) of the worst storylines ever. I suppose I underestimated how many new people will read one of my columns every week, which led to the aforementioned confusion.
Anyway, yes, readers, the Kane-Triple H âKatie Vickâ storyline definitely belongs on the list of the worst storylines ever. In fact, I wrote a column half-devoted to it two weeks ago. So, when I asked for readers to vote for their worst storylines ever that same week, I declared that âKatie Vickâ votes wouldnât be counted. Nonetheless, I didnât explain this last week in the results column, so thanks to the scrupulous readers who wrote in wondering about the tremendous oversight.
Now…to put the âworst storylinesâ thing to bed, here are
âThe Five Forgotten Awful Storylinesâ
Did you notice what I, along with several Shenanigans readers, noticed about the âWorst Storylines Everâ as voted by WZ visitors? All of the top 10 storylines were from WWE, 1999 and onward. Have we forgotten already about some of the biggest stinkers in wrestling history? Turkeys, movie stars, and Russo WCW, oh my!
Well, for those who demanded them, here they are. Some of these were forgotten entirely, some received only a vote or two. In every case, dear readers, the mentioned storyline was far worse than Vince and Hornswoggle.
1. David Arquette Wins the WCW Title
Granted, this made âhonorable mention,â but it shouldâve been in the top 3. Letâs clear up, first, that David Arquette felt plenty bad after this whole thing went down. Iâve even read that he donated a substantial portion of the paychecks he received from the angle to worthy causes relating to the wrestling business. Still, this crossed a new line for a WCW that had already jumped the proverbial Shark Boy a thousand times before.
Yes, itâs true when people say that WCW creative was disgracing the legacy of one of the most prestigious titles in wrestling history. Then, there’s the match Arquette competed in at the Slamboree PPV. A triple cage match? Are you freakinâ serious? Apparently, they were. A select few wrestling fans enjoyed this angle, and it certainly garnered its share of attention. And yet, still, to borrow from good â~ol JR, this storyline was a âboil on the butt ofâ the wrestling business.
2. The Gobbledy Gooker
âOh man, Kev!â you say. âThis one was truly horrible. All that payoff and for what?â Exactly, hypothetical reader. And how many votes, pray tell, do you think the infamous turkey, who hatched from an egg at Survivor Series 1990 and danced his way right out of the WWF, received? One.
Yes, a single vote for the angle which gave birth to the very notion of âWrestleCrapâ (you know where to find them). One vote! For the most laughed at and maligned character debut this side of Giant Gonzalez.
Yes, I admit it. I had nightmares about Giant Gonzalez when I was younger, and Iâm not talking about his wrestling, either. And no, I donât care if Iâm making myself seem like a kid, here.
Hector Guerreroâs most watched moment and biggest shame – so shameful, in fact, that it was brought back for the âGimmick Battle Royalâ at WrestleMania XVII. One vote. I canât believe it.
But, rest assured, readers, itâs true. Hector, since then, has had better luck as a Spanish commentator for TNA.
3. WCW Creative Become Champion Wrestlers
The Russo-Ferrara era of WCW wasnât content with simply providing shock and awe, nor with taking the company to its most unwatchable points ever. No, the âcreativeâ team, instead, wanted to offend people AND drive them away forever. At the top of the (very long) list of crap the two turned out were a pair of angles involving the writers themselves. One saw Vince Russo winning the WCW world heavyweight title. Believe it or not, that was the lesser of the two evils.
On the other side of the stink coin, we saw Ed Ferrara take on the character of âOklahoma.â Ferrara mocked Jim Rossâ persona, as well as the legendary announcerâs bout with Bellâs Palsy. Instead of being a one-off tasteless segment, the Oklahoma character was pushed…winning the WCW cruiserweight title in a match against Madusa. Whatâs that? Hornswoggleâs the lowest the cruiserweight division has ever sunk? Well, not quite.
Before you jump all over Ferrara for this angle, it should be noted that he later apologized to J.R. and that all is forgiven. Still…wow.
On a side note, I recently found out that Bob Mould, former singer for classic hardcore punk band, Husker Du, used to be a member of the WCW creative team. Any Husker Du fans reading? If there are more than two of you, Iâm thinking maybe I could do an âarmchair bookingâ article which utilizes the plot of the bandâs album, Zen Arcade, to give C.M. Punk a main event push. Anyone interested?
4. Robocop in WCW
Stop rubbing your eyes because yes, you did read that right. Never seen or heard about Robocop in WCW? Then, my friend, you havenât really experienced a waste of time celebrity crossover angle. Weeks and weeks were spent building up the WCW appearance of kind-of movie phenomenon, Robocop, and the good heâd do for WCW. More specifically, how heâd be coming after the Four Horsemen.
Well, everybody, you can probably guess that Robocop didnât exactly deliver the goods when he finally did appear at WCWâs Capital Carnage 1990. (Geez, what was it about 1990 anyway?) Hyped up as the âUltimate Peace Officer,â Robocop freed top WCW babyface, Sting, from a cage heâd been imprisoned in by the Four Horsemen, frightening the legendary faction away from the ring.
Sound great? It wasnât. Give credit to play-by-play announcer, Jim Ross, for making the moment seem exciting.
5. Touretteâsdust
Iâm a big fan of Konnanâs 5150 segment which I guess, by default, makes me an enemy of Glen Gilberrti. Konnan raises some excellent points about wrestling being at its worst when it insults the intelligence of fans. This storyline did just that. And, while there are some more deserving of this spot, Iâd really like to take a look at this one. Especially because, typically, Iâm a huge fan of the Goldust character and this was a low point in its development.
Touretteâs Syndrome is a neurological disorder which causes vocal and motor tics in those who have it. A mere 25% of those with the disorder curse uncontrollably – due to a symptom known as coprolalia. WWE chose to exploit this relatively rare symptom, much like any other product which has done Touretteâs âhumor.â The problem here, though, is not really how offensive the storyline might have been. Itâs how it came about.
Goldust was afflicted with Touretteâs after being electrocuted by Evolution. People are BORN with Touretteâs. Itâs genetic, and no one can âacquireâ it. They might as well have had Goldust get electrocuted and grow an extra leg because of it. Really, WWE. How stupid do you think we are?
Oh, right.
Honorable mention:
Team Pacman – a tag team champion who never gave or received a single wrestling move.
Ric Flairâs heart attack – WCW loved to push the envelope, and this was a disgusting way to do it.
Vince and Trish – Trish and Vince did their business in front of a catatonic Linda McMahon. Later, Trish was made to strip to her underwear and bark like a dog.
Kevin Federline and John Cena – Just kidding. I actually loved this one.
Alright, everybody, that about does it for this week. Thanks again to everyone who wrote in with votes, feedback, comments, or some combination of the three.
The Best Wrestling Moment Ever
Due to a few requests, Iâm going to do something I originally hadnât planned on. As of right now, readers, Iâm going to start taking votes for the BEST Wrestling Moments of All Time.
A few readers, after looking at all this negativity, were longing for something positive. After being hesitant at first, Iâve decided now to comply. But weâre gonna do this right, guys and gals! I want to make this a big thing, so this is how the voting will work.
Submit to me your favorite wrestling moments ever. Absolutely no limitations on what it could be, as long as itâs pro wrestling related. (For instance, The Rock at WrestleMania XVII or on SNL is acceptable, but Gridiron Gang is not.) You may submit up to ten favorite moments. If youâre submitting more than one moment, please list them in order. If you donât, Iâll rank them in the order youâve listed them, from #1 to #whatever.
The submission deadline is March 27th. The results will be posted on WrestleMania weekend. Vote once, for up to ten moments, and tell your friends to do the same. The more votes I get, the bigger this list is likely to be.
Submit votes HERE
Thanks for reading and thanks, in advance, for your votes.
Kevin McElvaney is also a contributing writer for Pro Wrestling Illustrated and The Wrestler / Inside Wrestling. He prefers cantaloupe to honeydew, although itâs a tough choice to make.
