Brock Lesnar is the new UFC heavyweight champion. Hooray for our side!
Ever since I started working for WCW in 1992, Iâve had to hear it, and I bet youâve all had to hear it as die-hard wrestling fans: ITâS FAKE! YOUâRE STUPID! HOW CAN YOU LIKE SOMETHING THATâS FAKE! FAKE, FAKE, FAKE!
Well, MMA purists, go fake yourselves. The phony wrestler took your burnt-out, washed-up, feeble-looking shell of a legend and put him out to pasture like the egg-sucking dog that he is. I thought Randy Couture was supposed to be GOOD. Couture might as well have been wearing high-heeled shoes and fishnet stockings, because Lesnar used his pimp hand to great effect.
Gee, it sure didnât look fake when Brock hit Father Time with 117 unanswered punches. It sure didnât look fake when Couture crashed to the mat like a turkey dropped from a helicopter by Les Nessman. It sure didnât look fake when Lesnar appeared fresh as a daisy after the fight while Couture was looking around for a defibrillator and an oxygen tent. It sure didnât look fake when Sable hit the octagon andâ¦OK, maybe SHE looked a little fake, but in a good way.
Before the fight, all you heard about was the real legend and the fake wrestler. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, PRIEST?
The crowd booed Lesnar on his way to the octagon. The WWE guy was about to soil hallowed ground. The irony is, the real/fake issue helped create a face/heel dynamic not often seen in UFC, and the resulting crowd heat was INTENSE. Lesnarâs background enabled UFC to replicate pro wrestling electricity on a legitimate stage, and it increased the drama tenfold.
I donât follow MMA closely. But I will as long as Lesnar is involved. MMA may be ashamed to have a fake wrestler as its standard-bearer, but if it brings in those crossover dollars from sports entertainment, I donât think Dana White will turn them down. If White is smart â” and he is â” he will take Lesnarâs pro wrestling connection and beat it to death (even as Brock beats White’s ârealâ fighters to death).
Letâs face it, no one will ever beat Lesnar. He will hold the UFC title as long as he wants. Itâs hard to imagine anyoneâs technique overcoming Lesnarâs strength, bulk and rapidly improving skills. Itâs like Lex Luger once said to Ricky Steamboat, âA good big man always beats a good little man.â
Of course, that led Ric Flair to say, âLuger, who said you were a good big man?â
The DDMe Chronicles (one in a series)
This may be the most insane one yet: DDMe was inexplicably lead heel in the WCW-themed movie âReady to Rumbleâ despite the screen presence (and complexion) of a worn-out old shoe. DDMe did the job at the end as the movieâs top babyface, actor Oliver Platt, regained the WCW title that had been wrongfully stolen from him by DDMe and WCWâs evil owner, Ralph Cifaretto.
DDMe actually asked for (and got) a meeting with director Brian Robbins at which he requested (seriously) that the ending be changed to show he and Platt passing each other backstage and exchanging winks. In other words: ITâS ALL A WORK! DDMe DIDNâT REALLY LOSE TO THE FAT ACTOR!
Robbins â” likely dumbfounded by DDMeâs display of both gall and twisted priorities â” kept the ending as you saw it (or more likely, didnât see it). A better decision would have been to shut the film down until DDMe could have been replaced by a better actor, perhaps Vincent Chase. But the fact remains: DDMe wanted to change the ending of a major Hollywood motion picture to soften the impact of doing the job in a fake match in a fake movie.
âReady to Rumble,â of course, led to David Arquetteâs reign as WCW world champion. And I got to meet Courtney Cox. So, allâs well that ends well.
THE NEW RATS
âRats,â of course, is slang for wrestling groupies, the sluts who show up backstage and at hotels ready and willing to bang the boys.
Rats largely disappeared over the years, replaced by male fans seeking autographs and a brush with greatness. Lex Luger said it best while glumly looking around a bar populated by sausage and Sharpies: âAll the rats are guys.â
But these days, the Divas/Knockouts are the new rats.
With a handful of exceptions, no Diva/Knockout has every meant a damn or drawn a dime. It would be nice to think that Americaâs teenage boys tune in to see Melina do the splits, but the ratings donât indicate such and anyway, they can see a more gynecological version in a Teagan Presley video. Fans sure donât want to see the girls wrestle, because they canât.
So why do the companies employ so many Divas/Knockouts? To be rats.
Lucky guys. Without wrestling, Andrew âTestâ Martin would be a bouncer subsisting on the kindness of second-rate strippers somewhere. Wrestling didnât drop a lucrative living in his lap, but it got him Stacy Keibler and Kelly Kelly.
The boys arenât the only beneficiaries. A few higher-ups have compiled quite a list of conquests. Some of the girls, meanwhile, hop from bed to bed at the speed of light. At least they understand their job.
It makes for interesting situations. When I was in WCW, one of the wrestlers roomed with one of the Nitro Girls during the work week. During off hours, each was married to someone else. On the road, they were married to each other. They appeared to have the same level of commitment to each of their respective partners. Priority was dictated by the day of the week.
One Diva/Knockout had simultaneous affairs with two wrestlers in the same company, and neither knew about the other. All three participants in the love triangle had significant others at home. The girl has zero talent. Then again, the two wrestlers arenât exactly Rogers and Thesz.
One wrestler wasn’t considered a big-enough star to be conducting a relationship with one Diva. So they were separated by being put into different brands, and she quickly found her way into a more prestigious bed. Pimpin’ aint easy…
If women totally disappeared from WWE and TNA, would either companyâs visibility suffer? No. Would both companies save money? Yes.
So why are the women still there, and in such great numbers? Seems obvious.
